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Title: Psychic Wars
Rating: R (Contains poorly animated blood and nudity so pointless and awkward
it's not even gratutitous.)
Try Also: A combination root canal/colostomy administered by a blind
paraplegic using only the sharpened slivers of Precious Moments (TM)
figurines and African swamp leeches as medical instruments. But don't take
MY word for it!
Too often, we critics spend out time insulting bad movies solely on the basis
that they suck more than the end of a Cesna engine that doesn't emit gaily
colored plumes of fire. Such is the case of Psychic Wars. Psychic Wars,
produced by bitter Japanese mountain hobbits and starring absolutely no one,
is a sad, violent little parable about a "doctor" magically endowed with
powers not unlike those of a severely retarded Green Lantern. Only, instead
of relying on a ring that manifests sheer thought into weapons of unparalled
destructive power, Our Hero (I forget his name and YOU will too!) possesses
the power to create sticks and knives due to the fact that he once removed a
second heart from a dying grandmother goddess who... aw, Hell. Y'know what?
It REALLY doesn't matter. Oh, and instead of his power only being vulnerable
against the color yellow, OH's sharpened sticks only work on beasts who weigh
more than House from Police Academy. Fortunately, OH has little to fear in
this department. Thanks to an apparent high volume of convenience stores in
Hell (c'mon, have you ever met a 7/11 counter worker who WASN'T a poorly
disguised minion of the man-goat?), all demons have had the benefit of high
yeast diets. And, should OH meet a villain not susceptible to a magically
forged blade somewhat reminiscent of Mighty Joe Young's marital aid, one well
placed kick to Beelze's bubs is more than enough to suffice. All in all,
Psychic Wars will have you rooting for the fact that you actually remembered
to replace the batteries in your remote so that you can turn this pile of
steaming hog excrement off. Way to go, OH!
Final Grade: F- (For the love of God, someone PLEASE shoot this movie!)
Adam Roach
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